Thursday, June 20, 2013

...

0:03
I feel pings of dread. I don't know what's going on. I feel happiest when I don't have to think so hard about my future. The moment I think of what I should do, I want to put a knife through my chest. I feel sick and faint. I just don't know what to do anymore. I told Honey that I no longer feel joy. I spend and spend and spend to feel some sort of happiness only for remorse to kick in. The joy is short lived and I feel more awful than before. I wish I can be happy and just live. I feel like giving up this life and hope that my next life would be better. Who knows, maybe that's the point of my existence in this one, as a stepping stone to a better next life? Morbid, I am fully aware. I am just... just so tired.
0:07

0:14
I have this overwhelming urge to self-harm. I want to feel something other than how I feel right now. The only problem, other than I hate pain, is Honey finding marks on me. He always examines me and always questions any scratch or cut I get. I don't know how to make these feelings go away. I want them to go away. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just need this to stop hurting.
0:16

Friday, May 31, 2013

...

10:55
I've thought things over since the last time I post. I don't see what long lasting harm it would do to anyone if I was gone. Then realizing I say that, I know I'm wrong. I know it'll break hearts, but that's all. The overwhelming dread I feel just won't go away and I just want it to stop.
10:57

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

...

20:09
Honey was playfully poking at me yesterday and noticed that my chest seemed smaller. He took me to the bathroom lifted up my shirt and bra and said, "You've gotten smaller. What's going on?" I said that I'm the same size as I've always been and I fit my bras just fine. He said, "No, you've gotten smaller. Are you okay? What's going on?" I said that I'm fine and dismissed it. I didn't very well want to tell him that since pouring my heart out a month or so ago, I still felt horrible and I barely eat anymore. In fact, coca cola was basically all I'd have all day. I felt more horrible that I lied to him.
20:12

23:53
Honey proposed on maybe going karaoke and doing a duet together. He isn't the karaoke type, only vowing to do it once because singing is not really his thing. I declined and lied. I didn't want to tell him that my voice makes my ears bleed. That hearing my voice makes me want to sing again - ever. I only sing along to songs because that's what I normally do, but when the music is loud and could drown me out, or I sing quieter than the music. It just makes it easier I suppose.
23:55

Monday, May 27, 2013

...

00:08
I can't remember the last time I've written. I thought I was getting better. I was eating better, I was feeling better, but then... it just fell apart like nothing happened. I can't understand what's wrong with me inside. The physical pain doesn't help. 4 vicodin per 24 hours is almost impossible. I'm finding myself needing 4 within 6 hours. I am hurting so badly inside. I have been losing my appetite again. Ate a lot today, it equaled maybe 3 or 4 of my meal days, and it was 3 pieces of chicken and cheesy nachos from Taco Bell. I feel sick. I want to cry. I want to... my goodness. How can I get past this? How can I get past this? I just want to be happy and more and more I try, I'm further from it? Only time I feel any sort of happiness is nostalgia. Listening to '90s music, loving what I did back then, my dolls. My dolls... seems like most of my short term happiness comes from them. It's weird. Why them? Of course, sex with Honey always give me a dose of happiness that lasts nearly as long. I don't know. I am in so much pain... pain... how badly I just want it to stop and it'll never stop. It'll always be there, haunting me, torturing me. I want it to go away.
00:14

Monday, May 6, 2013

...

11:03
Honey stayed with us for 4 days. I ate a lot more than usual, I think it was to hide the fact I barely at all for how long now? Two weeks? I gained 5 pounds apparently during his stay, though I think it'll go away soon enough. Today I start my temp job. Am I nervous? A little. Am I excited? Not really. Do I care? Not at all. I think it's how I've been with my life crisis that just sucks the fun out of things, though I had a great time yesterday at the Beltane gathering.
11:06

Monday, April 29, 2013

...

9:18
High anxiety and doubt causes lack of production, lowers performance, and can make someone sick.
I knew all that.
What I think has been happening to me is a mid-life crisis... at 24. I guess that would be called a 'life crisis' than a mid life one I suppose, considering my life is still actually beginning.
I never used to have so much doubts and concerns on where my life was going. A few years ago, I was feeling fine. Thinking that I have all the time in the world to do what I want. What changed? I have a theory that my life was on the right track and I some how bounced off but haven't been able to go back on. Maybe in the last few years, I've felt my live get cut shorter, I don't know.
9:22

Saturday, April 27, 2013

...

8:52
I managed to eat yesterday, though not really close to what I used to eat before:
- two sticks of gum
- half of a medium fry... which would be 1 small fry, right? My stomach hurt before I could finish, I assume it was gluten, I don't know.
- three hard boiled eggs

A lot more than I ate in the last few days, ja.

I need to keep myself in a realistic point of view when it comes to this new endeavor. I can dream all I want, but I must not 'count my chickens before they hatch' in case I dream of doesn't come true. I don't know how this could work out. I could some acting no body or a well known b-lister (TV actress). I just need to remember the goals that push me to this and remember that those goals come first. Activism comes first to me. Acting is to support my activism, my fun, my escape.
8:57

Friday, April 26, 2013

...

12:12
All I ate yesterday:
- a pickle
- a strawberry
- a couple spoonfuls of jello

Then my stomach said no more, despite the pains I was still having. Oh freaking joy *sarcasm*. Honey wants to come over today and if he notices this pattern, he'll be ever so worried.
12:13

12:25
Honey said he wanted to make peanut butter cookies... my goodness, to force myself to eat what I normally would, would be torture. Still, I'm going to have to fake it so I don't worry him. Having more diarrhea, I think it has to do with the little I've been eating.

Oh by the way, Mom agreed to pay for acting lessons. Hopefully I can be a TV starlet and work on the shows I dream of being on. The day I meet Mariska, Misha, or even Danielle, would be a dream come true for me. I love them, in a non creepy fan girl sort of way.
12:28

Thursday, April 25, 2013

...

0:48
Day 3. Not really hungry, though I ate some potato salad to curve the growling in my stomach but not the brain fog I've been feeling. I feel so sad... I just can't come out and say it.
0:49

11:34
Diarrhea, barely hungry. Fucking sucks.
two weeks before surgery - 158 lbs
morning of surgery -  151 lbs
yesterday, 1 week of surgery -  148 lbs.
My brain hurts, my stomach hurts, yet the desire to eat is small and I continue to lie about it. I can't shake off the feeling that I don't attempt to do my callings soon, I probably never will.
11:36

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

...

20:45

I can't remember the last time I truly ate anything. Two days ago I think... Drank a smoothie yesterday, can of coke I think too. Just a coke today. I want to eat, I can feel my stomach wanting to eat, but the desire to eat just isn't there. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I caught the acting bug again. I don't know if it's because I'm star stuck or maybe it's a huge desire to escape my self as someone else. I keep saying how I shouldn't quit and you're a quitter when you lose the will to try. I'm trying to erase my sufferings, heal from them, and start a clean slate. Now, I'm beating myself up even further. What if it's a pipe dream and I waste hundreds of dollars on nothing? It's happened before... should I just give up and accept that maybe I'm meant to do much less, that what I feel is my purpose is maybe my imagination?

20:50

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

...

18:18

I discovered the world of fan fiction again. It has been a long time since the last time since I was in that world of strangeness. My favorite is slash, it always was. My first slash love was Kaiba/Atem from Yugioh. My new slash love is Castiel/Dean from Supernatural. What interests me about Destiel is the fact the actors are fully aware that it exists and the writers are basically throwing Castiel into Dean's arms; which makes the very heterosexual Misha and Jensen uncomfortable or an extra excuse for Jensen to mess with Misha. Poor Misha... lol. I was thinking the writer were going that way before I even heard of Destiel. The stories are rather interesting in a sense. Some sorta sway away from the characters' personalities, well... some wish Castiel was more forward about his feelings. I should read more fan fiction on other shows. I heard there are Emily/Nolan shippers for Revenge. I wonder if anyone wrote fan fiction for that yet.

18:29

Friday, March 15, 2013

...

0:28
For a while, these paragraphs won't escape my mind. They want to be written so badly but I can't seem to find an appropriate story for it yet (won't stay second person all that forever... I hope), though part of it was used between Kuroki and Maya:
            He takes her, hands chained against her back, and holds her naked body against the faux silk of his clothed torso. He lifted her chin and her frightened eyes saw the nothingness in his own. She can't help but wonder why she feels nothing from him, nothing but chilly composition and icy fires of lust. He smirked and whispered, "Do you love me?" Her lips parted, letting out a little air. How could he ask her that after all the trauma he put her though. "Well?" He pressed on, "Do you?" 
  
           Did she? After how hard she tried to close him off in her mind during all that has happened, is it possible that she could have twisted hatred and developed love for him? She closed her eyes and exhaled, what could she have left to lose? "Yes..." She whispered as tears ran down her face. He kissed her softly. She wanted to hate his embrace, to hate him so much, but each touch became urging and needed. At that moment, she surrendered herself and wanted nothing but him.

0:44

Friday, March 1, 2013

Long time, no me

13:25
I've been busy and not really able to gather my thoughts, though my facebook wall could probably say differently, hai?

I've thought about going on Dr. Phil about Amanda. I don't want someone hating me over something so fucking trivial as my existence. Okay, my existence is far from trivial, I'm a quiet ball of sweetness and surprise. It's the fact that my birth and people finding out about me is the apparent reason of her hatred towards me. Coming from the same person who said to 12 year old me that she "always wanted a little sister" and I felt the same way about wanting an older sister. Then three thoughts came to me...

"Do I want a relationship with my sister?"
"Is it worth the heart ache I've already endured?"
"And would it really change anything?"

Every fiber of my being wants a loving, real relationship with all my family members. I remember being a little girl and being so sad that I couldn't have what my younger siblings had with their side of the family. Why couldn't I have that? When I finally was able to start building relationships with my paternal side, I didn't feel like I really belonged. The feelings I felt seemed fake, forced, or attempted and blown. I admit, with some I feel genuine love and support, but then... I don't know. Which leads up to the answer to the three questions above.

"I don't know."
13:43

Sunday, January 6, 2013

...

2:40
I wish doctors would believe me. Believe that what I'm going though is real. I shake internally. I don't know why. I don't know why it didn't show up on tests. I am so tired of it. I'm so tired of being in pain and being dismissed like I'm crazy. My head always feels foggy, like there's something on my head and I can't get it off. I don't really take vicodin anymore, unless the pain is a big enough destraction from what I'm doing or it's just that unbearable, but even then, I take half of the pill. I cannot tell you how often I was told that it was all 'in my head', like I was faking or imagining it. I'm so tired. I can't sleep. The hell is wrong with me? Why can't anyone figure out what's going on? Why do I have to deal with this everyday all by myself? Honey does all he can but it's just too much to have to deal with me like this almost daily. Being told that my endometrosis being discovered brought me great joy, finally, I knew part of my never ending internal torment. Don't even get me started on the treatments, more harm than good. Lupron would screw with more of my neurological issues and throw me over the edge. Doctors doubt so but Provera did the same within months of starting treatment. I'm at the end of my rope at this point.
2:51
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18:54
I am depressed. It's almost public knowledge that I am so far down the emotional lake, I'm surprised I'm not metaphorically drowned yet. I've thought about suicide often since I was 12 years old. I convinced myself that if I was gone, my town would throw this huge party, a celebration, as a good riddance. I told myself that maybe it was also saving money by offing myself - I wouldn't have to waste money on pointless doctor visits, pointless tests, and effortless treatments. The best reason I have for not having done so is because of the positive people in my life. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I decided to do what I did so I wouldn't be here anymore - that would bother me if I did. So you all may pat yourself's on the back. I love my bf, my pets, my family, and my FB friends. I rubbed April's back last night, I wouldn't want her to feel another great loss in her young puppy life. Losing Aiko and searching for her for over a couple of months was probably the hardest April ever had to go though. If she lost me, I can't imagine how she'd be.
19:09

Thursday, January 3, 2013

...

21:22
I am not a traditonalist. I am not anti-tradition like some people who would jump over flaming hoops to prevent themselves from being traditional. Some traditions I do want to practice or keep sacred, but most I do not because I fear it takes away from my originality. I wasn't up with much traditions or what should be, just what we could. Going the alternative path has been my life for almost all 24 years of it. I do what makes me happy rather or not it's in the 'norm' (socially acceptable) or not. I think it's fun to be untraditional, I get to do things my way because it feels right to me to do so. I was always different like that. I judged by character. So if I didn't like someone, it was probably because I thought they were distasteful. People, for some reason, love to judge me without really getting to know me. They automatically assume all these traits that I may or may not have. If not following traditions is a bad thing - pfft, more fun for me.
21:27

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

...

1:50
I have been reading on abducted/murdered American children on wikipedia - sorta by accident. Looking up a word I couldn't spell for my story and found the wikipedia page about it, which led to a page that lead me to another page, that lead me to the category of abducted children in the US. I always feel sad when I read the stories, but if no one reads them, how are they remembered? Same with all the Jane and John Does, nameless, forgotten, outcasted from the world because they can't be identified. Keeping that sad thing in mind, I've thought about how I would be identified:
- chipped right (my left) central incisor
- my bad over bite/under devoloped bottom jaw
(both have been in my dental records since I was 14)
- bent lower spine
- 'scars' from my healed broken tail bone

By the chance I am not in that state or have amnesia:
- left ear has 4 piercings and right has 5 piercings
- numerous scars:

  • 1 on my left fore arm, by the bend/elbow
  • Y shaped scar on my right thigh
  • small scar above my left eye 
  • my surgical scars from my laproscopy
- freckles on my left arm near elbow

I think that sums it up. I hope none of that ever happens to me because that would be very very sad.
2:19
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------