Long time, no me

13:25
I've been busy and not really able to gather my thoughts, though my facebook wall could probably say differently, hai?

I've thought about going on Dr. Phil about Amanda. I don't want someone hating me over something so fucking trivial as my existence. Okay, my existence is far from trivial, I'm a quiet ball of sweetness and surprise. It's the fact that my birth and people finding out about me is the apparent reason of her hatred towards me. Coming from the same person who said to 12 year old me that she "always wanted a little sister" and I felt the same way about wanting an older sister. Then three thoughts came to me...

"Do I want a relationship with my sister?"
"Is it worth the heart ache I've already endured?"
"And would it really change anything?"

Every fiber of my being wants a loving, real relationship with all my family members. I remember being a little girl and being so sad that I couldn't have what my younger siblings had with their side of the family. Why couldn't I have that? When I finally was able to start building relationships with my paternal side, I didn't feel like I really belonged. The feelings I felt seemed fake, forced, or attempted and blown. I admit, with some I feel genuine love and support, but then... I don't know. Which leads up to the answer to the three questions above.

"I don't know."
13:43