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2:40
I wish doctors would believe me. Believe that what I'm going though is real. I shake internally. I don't know why. I don't know why it didn't show up on tests. I am so tired of it. I'm so tired of being in pain and being dismissed like I'm crazy. My head always feels foggy, like there's something on my head and I can't get it off. I don't really take vicodin anymore, unless the pain is a big enough destraction from what I'm doing or it's just that unbearable, but even then, I take half of the pill. I cannot tell you how often I was told that it was all 'in my head', like I was faking or imagining it. I'm so tired. I can't sleep. The hell is wrong with me? Why can't anyone figure out what's going on? Why do I have to deal with this everyday all by myself? Honey does all he can but it's just too much to have to deal with me like this almost daily. Being told that my endometrosis being discovered brought me great joy, finally, I knew part of my never ending internal torment. Don't even get me started on the treatments, more harm than good. Lupron would screw with more of my neurological issues and throw me over the edge. Doctors doubt so but Provera did the same within months of starting treatment. I'm at the end of my rope at this point.
2:51
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18:54
I am depressed. It's almost public knowledge that I am so far down the emotional lake, I'm surprised I'm not metaphorically drowned yet. I've thought about suicide often since I was 12 years old. I convinced myself that if I was gone, my town would throw this huge party, a celebration, as a good riddance. I told myself that maybe it was also saving money by offing myself - I wouldn't have to waste money on pointless doctor visits, pointless tests, and effortless treatments. The best reason I have for not having done so is because of the positive people in my life. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I decided to do what I did so I wouldn't be here anymore - that would bother me if I did. So you all may pat yourself's on the back. I love my bf, my pets, my family, and my FB friends. I rubbed April's back last night, I wouldn't want her to feel another great loss in her young puppy life. Losing Aiko and searching for her for over a couple of months was probably the hardest April ever had to go though. If she lost me, I can't imagine how she'd be.
19:09