20:45
I can't remember the last time I truly ate anything. Two days ago I think... Drank a smoothie yesterday, can of coke I think too. Just a coke today. I want to eat, I can feel my stomach wanting to eat, but the desire to eat just isn't there. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I caught the acting bug again. I don't know if it's because I'm star stuck or maybe it's a huge desire to escape my self as someone else. I keep saying how I shouldn't quit and you're a quitter when you lose the will to try. I'm trying to erase my sufferings, heal from them, and start a clean slate. Now, I'm beating myself up even further. What if it's a pipe dream and I waste hundreds of dollars on nothing? It's happened before... should I just give up and accept that maybe I'm meant to do much less, that what I feel is my purpose is maybe my imagination?
20:50
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
...
18:18
I discovered the world of fan fiction again. It has been a long time since the last time since I was in that world of strangeness. My favorite is slash, it always was. My first slash love was Kaiba/Atem from Yugioh. My new slash love is Castiel/Dean from Supernatural. What interests me about Destiel is the fact the actors are fully aware that it exists and the writers are basically throwing Castiel into Dean's arms; which makes the very heterosexual Misha and Jensen uncomfortable or an extra excuse for Jensen to mess with Misha. Poor Misha... lol. I was thinking the writer were going that way before I even heard of Destiel. The stories are rather interesting in a sense. Some sorta sway away from the characters' personalities, well... some wish Castiel was more forward about his feelings. I should read more fan fiction on other shows. I heard there are Emily/Nolan shippers for Revenge. I wonder if anyone wrote fan fiction for that yet.
18:29
I discovered the world of fan fiction again. It has been a long time since the last time since I was in that world of strangeness. My favorite is slash, it always was. My first slash love was Kaiba/Atem from Yugioh. My new slash love is Castiel/Dean from Supernatural. What interests me about Destiel is the fact the actors are fully aware that it exists and the writers are basically throwing Castiel into Dean's arms; which makes the very heterosexual Misha and Jensen uncomfortable or an extra excuse for Jensen to mess with Misha. Poor Misha... lol. I was thinking the writer were going that way before I even heard of Destiel. The stories are rather interesting in a sense. Some sorta sway away from the characters' personalities, well... some wish Castiel was more forward about his feelings. I should read more fan fiction on other shows. I heard there are Emily/Nolan shippers for Revenge. I wonder if anyone wrote fan fiction for that yet.
18:29
Friday, March 15, 2013
...
0:28
For a while, these paragraphs won't escape my mind. They want to be written so badly but I can't seem to find an appropriate story for it yet (won't stay second person all that forever... I hope), though part of it was used between Kuroki and Maya:
He takes her, hands chained against her back, and holds her naked body against the faux silk of his clothed torso. He lifted her chin and her frightened eyes saw the nothingness in his own. She can't help but wonder why she feels nothing from him, nothing but chilly composition and icy fires of lust. He smirked and whispered, "Do you love me?" Her lips parted, letting out a little air. How could he ask her that after all the trauma he put her though. "Well?" He pressed on, "Do you?"
Did she? After how hard she tried to close him off in her mind during all that has happened, is it possible that she could have twisted hatred and developed love for him? She closed her eyes and exhaled, what could she have left to lose? "Yes..." She whispered as tears ran down her face. He kissed her softly. She wanted to hate his embrace, to hate him so much, but each touch became urging and needed. At that moment, she surrendered herself and wanted nothing but him.
0:44
For a while, these paragraphs won't escape my mind. They want to be written so badly but I can't seem to find an appropriate story for it yet (won't stay second person all that forever... I hope), though part of it was used between Kuroki and Maya:
He takes her, hands chained against her back, and holds her naked body against the faux silk of his clothed torso. He lifted her chin and her frightened eyes saw the nothingness in his own. She can't help but wonder why she feels nothing from him, nothing but chilly composition and icy fires of lust. He smirked and whispered, "Do you love me?" Her lips parted, letting out a little air. How could he ask her that after all the trauma he put her though. "Well?" He pressed on, "Do you?"
Did she? After how hard she tried to close him off in her mind during all that has happened, is it possible that she could have twisted hatred and developed love for him? She closed her eyes and exhaled, what could she have left to lose? "Yes..." She whispered as tears ran down her face. He kissed her softly. She wanted to hate his embrace, to hate him so much, but each touch became urging and needed. At that moment, she surrendered herself and wanted nothing but him.
0:44
Friday, March 1, 2013
Long time, no me
13:25
I've been busy and not really able to gather my thoughts, though my facebook wall could probably say differently, hai?
I've thought about going on Dr. Phil about Amanda. I don't want someone hating me over something so fucking trivial as my existence. Okay, my existence is far from trivial, I'm a quiet ball of sweetness and surprise. It's the fact that my birth and people finding out about me is the apparent reason of her hatred towards me. Coming from the same person who said to 12 year old me that she "always wanted a little sister" and I felt the same way about wanting an older sister. Then three thoughts came to me...
"Do I want a relationship with my sister?"
"Is it worth the heart ache I've already endured?"
"And would it really change anything?"
Every fiber of my being wants a loving, real relationship with all my family members. I remember being a little girl and being so sad that I couldn't have what my younger siblings had with their side of the family. Why couldn't I have that? When I finally was able to start building relationships with my paternal side, I didn't feel like I really belonged. The feelings I felt seemed fake, forced, or attempted and blown. I admit, with some I feel genuine love and support, but then... I don't know. Which leads up to the answer to the three questions above.
"I don't know."
13:43
I've been busy and not really able to gather my thoughts, though my facebook wall could probably say differently, hai?
I've thought about going on Dr. Phil about Amanda. I don't want someone hating me over something so fucking trivial as my existence. Okay, my existence is far from trivial, I'm a quiet ball of sweetness and surprise. It's the fact that my birth and people finding out about me is the apparent reason of her hatred towards me. Coming from the same person who said to 12 year old me that she "always wanted a little sister" and I felt the same way about wanting an older sister. Then three thoughts came to me...
"Do I want a relationship with my sister?"
"Is it worth the heart ache I've already endured?"
"And would it really change anything?"
Every fiber of my being wants a loving, real relationship with all my family members. I remember being a little girl and being so sad that I couldn't have what my younger siblings had with their side of the family. Why couldn't I have that? When I finally was able to start building relationships with my paternal side, I didn't feel like I really belonged. The feelings I felt seemed fake, forced, or attempted and blown. I admit, with some I feel genuine love and support, but then... I don't know. Which leads up to the answer to the three questions above.
"I don't know."
13:43
Sunday, January 6, 2013
...
2:40
I wish doctors would believe me. Believe that what I'm going though is real. I shake internally. I don't know why. I don't know why it didn't show up on tests. I am so tired of it. I'm so tired of being in pain and being dismissed like I'm crazy. My head always feels foggy, like there's something on my head and I can't get it off. I don't really take vicodin anymore, unless the pain is a big enough destraction from what I'm doing or it's just that unbearable, but even then, I take half of the pill. I cannot tell you how often I was told that it was all 'in my head', like I was faking or imagining it. I'm so tired. I can't sleep. The hell is wrong with me? Why can't anyone figure out what's going on? Why do I have to deal with this everyday all by myself? Honey does all he can but it's just too much to have to deal with me like this almost daily. Being told that my endometrosis being discovered brought me great joy, finally, I knew part of my never ending internal torment. Don't even get me started on the treatments, more harm than good. Lupron would screw with more of my neurological issues and throw me over the edge. Doctors doubt so but Provera did the same within months of starting treatment. I'm at the end of my rope at this point.
2:51
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18:54
I am depressed. It's almost public knowledge that I am so far down the emotional lake, I'm surprised I'm not metaphorically drowned yet. I've thought about suicide often since I was 12 years old. I convinced myself that if I was gone, my town would throw this huge party, a celebration, as a good riddance. I told myself that maybe it was also saving money by offing myself - I wouldn't have to waste money on pointless doctor visits, pointless tests, and effortless treatments. The best reason I have for not having done so is because of the positive people in my life. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I decided to do what I did so I wouldn't be here anymore - that would bother me if I did. So you all may pat yourself's on the back. I love my bf, my pets, my family, and my FB friends. I rubbed April's back last night, I wouldn't want her to feel another great loss in her young puppy life. Losing Aiko and searching for her for over a couple of months was probably the hardest April ever had to go though. If she lost me, I can't imagine how she'd be.
19:09
I wish doctors would believe me. Believe that what I'm going though is real. I shake internally. I don't know why. I don't know why it didn't show up on tests. I am so tired of it. I'm so tired of being in pain and being dismissed like I'm crazy. My head always feels foggy, like there's something on my head and I can't get it off. I don't really take vicodin anymore, unless the pain is a big enough destraction from what I'm doing or it's just that unbearable, but even then, I take half of the pill. I cannot tell you how often I was told that it was all 'in my head', like I was faking or imagining it. I'm so tired. I can't sleep. The hell is wrong with me? Why can't anyone figure out what's going on? Why do I have to deal with this everyday all by myself? Honey does all he can but it's just too much to have to deal with me like this almost daily. Being told that my endometrosis being discovered brought me great joy, finally, I knew part of my never ending internal torment. Don't even get me started on the treatments, more harm than good. Lupron would screw with more of my neurological issues and throw me over the edge. Doctors doubt so but Provera did the same within months of starting treatment. I'm at the end of my rope at this point.
2:51
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18:54
I am depressed. It's almost public knowledge that I am so far down the emotional lake, I'm surprised I'm not metaphorically drowned yet. I've thought about suicide often since I was 12 years old. I convinced myself that if I was gone, my town would throw this huge party, a celebration, as a good riddance. I told myself that maybe it was also saving money by offing myself - I wouldn't have to waste money on pointless doctor visits, pointless tests, and effortless treatments. The best reason I have for not having done so is because of the positive people in my life. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I decided to do what I did so I wouldn't be here anymore - that would bother me if I did. So you all may pat yourself's on the back. I love my bf, my pets, my family, and my FB friends. I rubbed April's back last night, I wouldn't want her to feel another great loss in her young puppy life. Losing Aiko and searching for her for over a couple of months was probably the hardest April ever had to go though. If she lost me, I can't imagine how she'd be.
19:09
Thursday, January 3, 2013
...
21:22
I am not a traditonalist. I am not anti-tradition like some people who would jump over flaming hoops to prevent themselves from being traditional. Some traditions I do want to practice or keep sacred, but most I do not because I fear it takes away from my originality. I wasn't up with much traditions or what should be, just what we could. Going the alternative path has been my life for almost all 24 years of it. I do what makes me happy rather or not it's in the 'norm' (socially acceptable) or not. I think it's fun to be untraditional, I get to do things my way because it feels right to me to do so. I was always different like that. I judged by character. So if I didn't like someone, it was probably because I thought they were distasteful. People, for some reason, love to judge me without really getting to know me. They automatically assume all these traits that I may or may not have. If not following traditions is a bad thing - pfft, more fun for me.
21:27
I am not a traditonalist. I am not anti-tradition like some people who would jump over flaming hoops to prevent themselves from being traditional. Some traditions I do want to practice or keep sacred, but most I do not because I fear it takes away from my originality. I wasn't up with much traditions or what should be, just what we could. Going the alternative path has been my life for almost all 24 years of it. I do what makes me happy rather or not it's in the 'norm' (socially acceptable) or not. I think it's fun to be untraditional, I get to do things my way because it feels right to me to do so. I was always different like that. I judged by character. So if I didn't like someone, it was probably because I thought they were distasteful. People, for some reason, love to judge me without really getting to know me. They automatically assume all these traits that I may or may not have. If not following traditions is a bad thing - pfft, more fun for me.
21:27
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
...
1:50
I have been reading on abducted/murdered American children on wikipedia - sorta by accident. Looking up a word I couldn't spell for my story and found the wikipedia page about it, which led to a page that lead me to another page, that lead me to the category of abducted children in the US. I always feel sad when I read the stories, but if no one reads them, how are they remembered? Same with all the Jane and John Does, nameless, forgotten, outcasted from the world because they can't be identified. Keeping that sad thing in mind, I've thought about how I would be identified:
- chipped right (my left) central incisor
- my bad over bite/under devoloped bottom jaw
(both have been in my dental records since I was 14)
- bent lower spine
- 'scars' from my healed broken tail bone
By the chance I am not in that state or have amnesia:
- left ear has 4 piercings and right has 5 piercings
- numerous scars:
I think that sums it up. I hope none of that ever happens to me because that would be very very sad.
2:19
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I have been reading on abducted/murdered American children on wikipedia - sorta by accident. Looking up a word I couldn't spell for my story and found the wikipedia page about it, which led to a page that lead me to another page, that lead me to the category of abducted children in the US. I always feel sad when I read the stories, but if no one reads them, how are they remembered? Same with all the Jane and John Does, nameless, forgotten, outcasted from the world because they can't be identified. Keeping that sad thing in mind, I've thought about how I would be identified:
- chipped right (my left) central incisor
- my bad over bite/under devoloped bottom jaw
(both have been in my dental records since I was 14)
- bent lower spine
- 'scars' from my healed broken tail bone
By the chance I am not in that state or have amnesia:
- left ear has 4 piercings and right has 5 piercings
- numerous scars:
- 1 on my left fore arm, by the bend/elbow
- Y shaped scar on my right thigh
- small scar above my left eye
- my surgical scars from my laproscopy
I think that sums it up. I hope none of that ever happens to me because that would be very very sad.
2:19
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