9:18
High anxiety and doubt causes lack of production, lowers performance, and can make someone sick.
I knew all that.
What I think has been happening to me is a mid-life crisis... at 24. I guess that would be called a 'life crisis' than a mid life one I suppose, considering my life is still actually beginning.
I never used to have so much doubts and concerns on where my life was going. A few years ago, I was feeling fine. Thinking that I have all the time in the world to do what I want. What changed? I have a theory that my life was on the right track and I some how bounced off but haven't been able to go back on. Maybe in the last few years, I've felt my live get cut shorter, I don't know.
9:22
Monday, April 29, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
...
8:52
I managed to eat yesterday, though not really close to what I used to eat before:
- two sticks of gum
- half of a medium fry... which would be 1 small fry, right? My stomach hurt before I could finish, I assume it was gluten, I don't know.
- three hard boiled eggs
A lot more than I ate in the last few days, ja.
I need to keep myself in a realistic point of view when it comes to this new endeavor. I can dream all I want, but I must not 'count my chickens before they hatch' in case I dream of doesn't come true. I don't know how this could work out. I could some acting no body or a well known b-lister (TV actress). I just need to remember the goals that push me to this and remember that those goals come first. Activism comes first to me. Acting is to support my activism, my fun, my escape.
8:57
I managed to eat yesterday, though not really close to what I used to eat before:
- two sticks of gum
- half of a medium fry... which would be 1 small fry, right? My stomach hurt before I could finish, I assume it was gluten, I don't know.
- three hard boiled eggs
A lot more than I ate in the last few days, ja.
I need to keep myself in a realistic point of view when it comes to this new endeavor. I can dream all I want, but I must not 'count my chickens before they hatch' in case I dream of doesn't come true. I don't know how this could work out. I could some acting no body or a well known b-lister (TV actress). I just need to remember the goals that push me to this and remember that those goals come first. Activism comes first to me. Acting is to support my activism, my fun, my escape.
8:57
Friday, April 26, 2013
...
12:12
All I ate yesterday:
- a pickle
- a strawberry
- a couple spoonfuls of jello
Then my stomach said no more, despite the pains I was still having. Oh freaking joy *sarcasm*. Honey wants to come over today and if he notices this pattern, he'll be ever so worried.
12:13
12:25
Honey said he wanted to make peanut butter cookies... my goodness, to force myself to eat what I normally would, would be torture. Still, I'm going to have to fake it so I don't worry him. Having more diarrhea, I think it has to do with the little I've been eating.
Oh by the way, Mom agreed to pay for acting lessons. Hopefully I can be a TV starlet and work on the shows I dream of being on. The day I meet Mariska, Misha, or even Danielle, would be a dream come true for me. I love them, in a non creepy fan girl sort of way.
12:28
All I ate yesterday:
- a pickle
- a strawberry
- a couple spoonfuls of jello
Then my stomach said no more, despite the pains I was still having. Oh freaking joy *sarcasm*. Honey wants to come over today and if he notices this pattern, he'll be ever so worried.
12:13
12:25
Honey said he wanted to make peanut butter cookies... my goodness, to force myself to eat what I normally would, would be torture. Still, I'm going to have to fake it so I don't worry him. Having more diarrhea, I think it has to do with the little I've been eating.
Oh by the way, Mom agreed to pay for acting lessons. Hopefully I can be a TV starlet and work on the shows I dream of being on. The day I meet Mariska, Misha, or even Danielle, would be a dream come true for me. I love them, in a non creepy fan girl sort of way.
12:28
Thursday, April 25, 2013
...
0:48
Day 3. Not really hungry, though I ate some potato salad to curve the growling in my stomach but not the brain fog I've been feeling. I feel so sad... I just can't come out and say it.
0:49
11:34
Diarrhea, barely hungry. Fucking sucks.
two weeks before surgery - 158 lbs
morning of surgery - 151 lbs
yesterday, 1 week of surgery - 148 lbs.
My brain hurts, my stomach hurts, yet the desire to eat is small and I continue to lie about it. I can't shake off the feeling that I don't attempt to do my callings soon, I probably never will.
11:36
11:34
Diarrhea, barely hungry. Fucking sucks.
two weeks before surgery - 158 lbs
morning of surgery - 151 lbs
yesterday, 1 week of surgery - 148 lbs.
My brain hurts, my stomach hurts, yet the desire to eat is small and I continue to lie about it. I can't shake off the feeling that I don't attempt to do my callings soon, I probably never will.
11:36
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
...
20:45
I can't remember the last time I truly ate anything. Two days ago I think... Drank a smoothie yesterday, can of coke I think too. Just a coke today. I want to eat, I can feel my stomach wanting to eat, but the desire to eat just isn't there. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I caught the acting bug again. I don't know if it's because I'm star stuck or maybe it's a huge desire to escape my self as someone else. I keep saying how I shouldn't quit and you're a quitter when you lose the will to try. I'm trying to erase my sufferings, heal from them, and start a clean slate. Now, I'm beating myself up even further. What if it's a pipe dream and I waste hundreds of dollars on nothing? It's happened before... should I just give up and accept that maybe I'm meant to do much less, that what I feel is my purpose is maybe my imagination?
20:50
I can't remember the last time I truly ate anything. Two days ago I think... Drank a smoothie yesterday, can of coke I think too. Just a coke today. I want to eat, I can feel my stomach wanting to eat, but the desire to eat just isn't there. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I caught the acting bug again. I don't know if it's because I'm star stuck or maybe it's a huge desire to escape my self as someone else. I keep saying how I shouldn't quit and you're a quitter when you lose the will to try. I'm trying to erase my sufferings, heal from them, and start a clean slate. Now, I'm beating myself up even further. What if it's a pipe dream and I waste hundreds of dollars on nothing? It's happened before... should I just give up and accept that maybe I'm meant to do much less, that what I feel is my purpose is maybe my imagination?
20:50
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
...
18:18
I discovered the world of fan fiction again. It has been a long time since the last time since I was in that world of strangeness. My favorite is slash, it always was. My first slash love was Kaiba/Atem from Yugioh. My new slash love is Castiel/Dean from Supernatural. What interests me about Destiel is the fact the actors are fully aware that it exists and the writers are basically throwing Castiel into Dean's arms; which makes the very heterosexual Misha and Jensen uncomfortable or an extra excuse for Jensen to mess with Misha. Poor Misha... lol. I was thinking the writer were going that way before I even heard of Destiel. The stories are rather interesting in a sense. Some sorta sway away from the characters' personalities, well... some wish Castiel was more forward about his feelings. I should read more fan fiction on other shows. I heard there are Emily/Nolan shippers for Revenge. I wonder if anyone wrote fan fiction for that yet.
18:29
I discovered the world of fan fiction again. It has been a long time since the last time since I was in that world of strangeness. My favorite is slash, it always was. My first slash love was Kaiba/Atem from Yugioh. My new slash love is Castiel/Dean from Supernatural. What interests me about Destiel is the fact the actors are fully aware that it exists and the writers are basically throwing Castiel into Dean's arms; which makes the very heterosexual Misha and Jensen uncomfortable or an extra excuse for Jensen to mess with Misha. Poor Misha... lol. I was thinking the writer were going that way before I even heard of Destiel. The stories are rather interesting in a sense. Some sorta sway away from the characters' personalities, well... some wish Castiel was more forward about his feelings. I should read more fan fiction on other shows. I heard there are Emily/Nolan shippers for Revenge. I wonder if anyone wrote fan fiction for that yet.
18:29
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