10:55
I've thought things over since the last time I post. I don't see what long lasting harm it would do to anyone if I was gone. Then realizing I say that, I know I'm wrong. I know it'll break hearts, but that's all. The overwhelming dread I feel just won't go away and I just want it to stop.
10:57
Friday, May 31, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
...
20:09
Honey was playfully poking at me yesterday and noticed that my chest seemed smaller. He took me to the bathroom lifted up my shirt and bra and said, "You've gotten smaller. What's going on?" I said that I'm the same size as I've always been and I fit my bras just fine. He said, "No, you've gotten smaller. Are you okay? What's going on?" I said that I'm fine and dismissed it. I didn't very well want to tell him that since pouring my heart out a month or so ago, I still felt horrible and I barely eat anymore. In fact, coca cola was basically all I'd have all day. I felt more horrible that I lied to him.
20:12
23:53
Honey proposed on maybe going karaoke and doing a duet together. He isn't the karaoke type, only vowing to do it once because singing is not really his thing. I declined and lied. I didn't want to tell him that my voice makes my ears bleed. That hearing my voice makes me want to sing again - ever. I only sing along to songs because that's what I normally do, but when the music is loud and could drown me out, or I sing quieter than the music. It just makes it easier I suppose.
23:55
Honey was playfully poking at me yesterday and noticed that my chest seemed smaller. He took me to the bathroom lifted up my shirt and bra and said, "You've gotten smaller. What's going on?" I said that I'm the same size as I've always been and I fit my bras just fine. He said, "No, you've gotten smaller. Are you okay? What's going on?" I said that I'm fine and dismissed it. I didn't very well want to tell him that since pouring my heart out a month or so ago, I still felt horrible and I barely eat anymore. In fact, coca cola was basically all I'd have all day. I felt more horrible that I lied to him.
20:12
23:53
Honey proposed on maybe going karaoke and doing a duet together. He isn't the karaoke type, only vowing to do it once because singing is not really his thing. I declined and lied. I didn't want to tell him that my voice makes my ears bleed. That hearing my voice makes me want to sing again - ever. I only sing along to songs because that's what I normally do, but when the music is loud and could drown me out, or I sing quieter than the music. It just makes it easier I suppose.
23:55
Monday, May 27, 2013
...
00:08
I can't remember the last time I've written. I thought I was getting better. I was eating better, I was feeling better, but then... it just fell apart like nothing happened. I can't understand what's wrong with me inside. The physical pain doesn't help. 4 vicodin per 24 hours is almost impossible. I'm finding myself needing 4 within 6 hours. I am hurting so badly inside. I have been losing my appetite again. Ate a lot today, it equaled maybe 3 or 4 of my meal days, and it was 3 pieces of chicken and cheesy nachos from Taco Bell. I feel sick. I want to cry. I want to... my goodness. How can I get past this? How can I get past this? I just want to be happy and more and more I try, I'm further from it? Only time I feel any sort of happiness is nostalgia. Listening to '90s music, loving what I did back then, my dolls. My dolls... seems like most of my short term happiness comes from them. It's weird. Why them? Of course, sex with Honey always give me a dose of happiness that lasts nearly as long. I don't know. I am in so much pain... pain... how badly I just want it to stop and it'll never stop. It'll always be there, haunting me, torturing me. I want it to go away.
00:14
I can't remember the last time I've written. I thought I was getting better. I was eating better, I was feeling better, but then... it just fell apart like nothing happened. I can't understand what's wrong with me inside. The physical pain doesn't help. 4 vicodin per 24 hours is almost impossible. I'm finding myself needing 4 within 6 hours. I am hurting so badly inside. I have been losing my appetite again. Ate a lot today, it equaled maybe 3 or 4 of my meal days, and it was 3 pieces of chicken and cheesy nachos from Taco Bell. I feel sick. I want to cry. I want to... my goodness. How can I get past this? How can I get past this? I just want to be happy and more and more I try, I'm further from it? Only time I feel any sort of happiness is nostalgia. Listening to '90s music, loving what I did back then, my dolls. My dolls... seems like most of my short term happiness comes from them. It's weird. Why them? Of course, sex with Honey always give me a dose of happiness that lasts nearly as long. I don't know. I am in so much pain... pain... how badly I just want it to stop and it'll never stop. It'll always be there, haunting me, torturing me. I want it to go away.
00:14
Monday, May 6, 2013
...
11:03
Honey stayed with us for 4 days. I ate a lot more than usual, I think it was to hide the fact I barely at all for how long now? Two weeks? I gained 5 pounds apparently during his stay, though I think it'll go away soon enough. Today I start my temp job. Am I nervous? A little. Am I excited? Not really. Do I care? Not at all. I think it's how I've been with my life crisis that just sucks the fun out of things, though I had a great time yesterday at the Beltane gathering.
11:06
Honey stayed with us for 4 days. I ate a lot more than usual, I think it was to hide the fact I barely at all for how long now? Two weeks? I gained 5 pounds apparently during his stay, though I think it'll go away soon enough. Today I start my temp job. Am I nervous? A little. Am I excited? Not really. Do I care? Not at all. I think it's how I've been with my life crisis that just sucks the fun out of things, though I had a great time yesterday at the Beltane gathering.
11:06
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)