0:03
I feel pings of dread. I don't know what's going on. I feel happiest when I don't have to think so hard about my future. The moment I think of what I should do, I want to put a knife through my chest. I feel sick and faint. I just don't know what to do anymore. I told Honey that I no longer feel joy. I spend and spend and spend to feel some sort of happiness only for remorse to kick in. The joy is short lived and I feel more awful than before. I wish I can be happy and just live. I feel like giving up this life and hope that my next life would be better. Who knows, maybe that's the point of my existence in this one, as a stepping stone to a better next life? Morbid, I am fully aware. I am just... just so tired.
0:07
0:14
I have this overwhelming urge to self-harm. I want to feel something other than how I feel right now. The only problem, other than I hate pain, is Honey finding marks on me. He always examines me and always questions any scratch or cut I get. I don't know how to make these feelings go away. I want them to go away. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just need this to stop hurting.
0:16
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
...
10:55
I've thought things over since the last time I post. I don't see what long lasting harm it would do to anyone if I was gone. Then realizing I say that, I know I'm wrong. I know it'll break hearts, but that's all. The overwhelming dread I feel just won't go away and I just want it to stop.
10:57
I've thought things over since the last time I post. I don't see what long lasting harm it would do to anyone if I was gone. Then realizing I say that, I know I'm wrong. I know it'll break hearts, but that's all. The overwhelming dread I feel just won't go away and I just want it to stop.
10:57
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
...
20:09
Honey was playfully poking at me yesterday and noticed that my chest seemed smaller. He took me to the bathroom lifted up my shirt and bra and said, "You've gotten smaller. What's going on?" I said that I'm the same size as I've always been and I fit my bras just fine. He said, "No, you've gotten smaller. Are you okay? What's going on?" I said that I'm fine and dismissed it. I didn't very well want to tell him that since pouring my heart out a month or so ago, I still felt horrible and I barely eat anymore. In fact, coca cola was basically all I'd have all day. I felt more horrible that I lied to him.
20:12
23:53
Honey proposed on maybe going karaoke and doing a duet together. He isn't the karaoke type, only vowing to do it once because singing is not really his thing. I declined and lied. I didn't want to tell him that my voice makes my ears bleed. That hearing my voice makes me want to sing again - ever. I only sing along to songs because that's what I normally do, but when the music is loud and could drown me out, or I sing quieter than the music. It just makes it easier I suppose.
23:55
Honey was playfully poking at me yesterday and noticed that my chest seemed smaller. He took me to the bathroom lifted up my shirt and bra and said, "You've gotten smaller. What's going on?" I said that I'm the same size as I've always been and I fit my bras just fine. He said, "No, you've gotten smaller. Are you okay? What's going on?" I said that I'm fine and dismissed it. I didn't very well want to tell him that since pouring my heart out a month or so ago, I still felt horrible and I barely eat anymore. In fact, coca cola was basically all I'd have all day. I felt more horrible that I lied to him.
20:12
23:53
Honey proposed on maybe going karaoke and doing a duet together. He isn't the karaoke type, only vowing to do it once because singing is not really his thing. I declined and lied. I didn't want to tell him that my voice makes my ears bleed. That hearing my voice makes me want to sing again - ever. I only sing along to songs because that's what I normally do, but when the music is loud and could drown me out, or I sing quieter than the music. It just makes it easier I suppose.
23:55
Monday, May 27, 2013
...
00:08
I can't remember the last time I've written. I thought I was getting better. I was eating better, I was feeling better, but then... it just fell apart like nothing happened. I can't understand what's wrong with me inside. The physical pain doesn't help. 4 vicodin per 24 hours is almost impossible. I'm finding myself needing 4 within 6 hours. I am hurting so badly inside. I have been losing my appetite again. Ate a lot today, it equaled maybe 3 or 4 of my meal days, and it was 3 pieces of chicken and cheesy nachos from Taco Bell. I feel sick. I want to cry. I want to... my goodness. How can I get past this? How can I get past this? I just want to be happy and more and more I try, I'm further from it? Only time I feel any sort of happiness is nostalgia. Listening to '90s music, loving what I did back then, my dolls. My dolls... seems like most of my short term happiness comes from them. It's weird. Why them? Of course, sex with Honey always give me a dose of happiness that lasts nearly as long. I don't know. I am in so much pain... pain... how badly I just want it to stop and it'll never stop. It'll always be there, haunting me, torturing me. I want it to go away.
00:14
I can't remember the last time I've written. I thought I was getting better. I was eating better, I was feeling better, but then... it just fell apart like nothing happened. I can't understand what's wrong with me inside. The physical pain doesn't help. 4 vicodin per 24 hours is almost impossible. I'm finding myself needing 4 within 6 hours. I am hurting so badly inside. I have been losing my appetite again. Ate a lot today, it equaled maybe 3 or 4 of my meal days, and it was 3 pieces of chicken and cheesy nachos from Taco Bell. I feel sick. I want to cry. I want to... my goodness. How can I get past this? How can I get past this? I just want to be happy and more and more I try, I'm further from it? Only time I feel any sort of happiness is nostalgia. Listening to '90s music, loving what I did back then, my dolls. My dolls... seems like most of my short term happiness comes from them. It's weird. Why them? Of course, sex with Honey always give me a dose of happiness that lasts nearly as long. I don't know. I am in so much pain... pain... how badly I just want it to stop and it'll never stop. It'll always be there, haunting me, torturing me. I want it to go away.
00:14
Monday, May 6, 2013
...
11:03
Honey stayed with us for 4 days. I ate a lot more than usual, I think it was to hide the fact I barely at all for how long now? Two weeks? I gained 5 pounds apparently during his stay, though I think it'll go away soon enough. Today I start my temp job. Am I nervous? A little. Am I excited? Not really. Do I care? Not at all. I think it's how I've been with my life crisis that just sucks the fun out of things, though I had a great time yesterday at the Beltane gathering.
11:06
Honey stayed with us for 4 days. I ate a lot more than usual, I think it was to hide the fact I barely at all for how long now? Two weeks? I gained 5 pounds apparently during his stay, though I think it'll go away soon enough. Today I start my temp job. Am I nervous? A little. Am I excited? Not really. Do I care? Not at all. I think it's how I've been with my life crisis that just sucks the fun out of things, though I had a great time yesterday at the Beltane gathering.
11:06
Monday, April 29, 2013
...
9:18
High anxiety and doubt causes lack of production, lowers performance, and can make someone sick.
I knew all that.
What I think has been happening to me is a mid-life crisis... at 24. I guess that would be called a 'life crisis' than a mid life one I suppose, considering my life is still actually beginning.
I never used to have so much doubts and concerns on where my life was going. A few years ago, I was feeling fine. Thinking that I have all the time in the world to do what I want. What changed? I have a theory that my life was on the right track and I some how bounced off but haven't been able to go back on. Maybe in the last few years, I've felt my live get cut shorter, I don't know.
9:22
High anxiety and doubt causes lack of production, lowers performance, and can make someone sick.
I knew all that.
What I think has been happening to me is a mid-life crisis... at 24. I guess that would be called a 'life crisis' than a mid life one I suppose, considering my life is still actually beginning.
I never used to have so much doubts and concerns on where my life was going. A few years ago, I was feeling fine. Thinking that I have all the time in the world to do what I want. What changed? I have a theory that my life was on the right track and I some how bounced off but haven't been able to go back on. Maybe in the last few years, I've felt my live get cut shorter, I don't know.
9:22
Saturday, April 27, 2013
...
8:52
I managed to eat yesterday, though not really close to what I used to eat before:
- two sticks of gum
- half of a medium fry... which would be 1 small fry, right? My stomach hurt before I could finish, I assume it was gluten, I don't know.
- three hard boiled eggs
A lot more than I ate in the last few days, ja.
I need to keep myself in a realistic point of view when it comes to this new endeavor. I can dream all I want, but I must not 'count my chickens before they hatch' in case I dream of doesn't come true. I don't know how this could work out. I could some acting no body or a well known b-lister (TV actress). I just need to remember the goals that push me to this and remember that those goals come first. Activism comes first to me. Acting is to support my activism, my fun, my escape.
8:57
I managed to eat yesterday, though not really close to what I used to eat before:
- two sticks of gum
- half of a medium fry... which would be 1 small fry, right? My stomach hurt before I could finish, I assume it was gluten, I don't know.
- three hard boiled eggs
A lot more than I ate in the last few days, ja.
I need to keep myself in a realistic point of view when it comes to this new endeavor. I can dream all I want, but I must not 'count my chickens before they hatch' in case I dream of doesn't come true. I don't know how this could work out. I could some acting no body or a well known b-lister (TV actress). I just need to remember the goals that push me to this and remember that those goals come first. Activism comes first to me. Acting is to support my activism, my fun, my escape.
8:57
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